I’ve been having trouble breaking through a plateau…I’ve felt very stagnant and limited by my female problems. I am tired all of the time, and I never feel great, which is annoying. I’ve tried all kinds of conventional and alternative remedies, none of which have made any difference at all. Perhaps I never gave anything enough of a chance.
In talking with my coach the other day I realized that I am still angry about the whole infertility experience…I see pregnant women and I “hate” them. I thought I’d be over this by now, but the feelings remain. I still feel like an inferior woman somehow, and I still long to be pregnant and have a biological child. Which is so dumb because Lili is great and I never really think about the fact that she’s adopted. but I am a woman after all. I guess these feelings are natural. But I do not think I thoroughly grieved for the child I will never have – could this be why I am feeling so “stagnant”? This sounds crazy, but I think my ovaries are angry because I resent them. I resent all of my womanly parts – they are useless after all. I have even wished for them to be taken away! So is it surprising that they will not function properly so that I can feel healthy and energized and move on with my life?
I wrote a letter to God expressing my anger and asking Him to take it away. I do not need it anymore, it isn’t serving me in any way. I’ve been exercising more to try to “run” out the bad energy. I am feeling better, but still no Aunt Flo. This may be a harder process than I had anticipated!
